I’m angry and I have been for a very long time now. I get angry at everyone and everything, even myself. I often wonder why things went so wrong. Why everything seemed so difficult. For so long after Gordon died I felt alone and forgotten. I know that’s not really true, but that’s what it felt like. I felt rejected by my friends here, never getting calls or texts back, avoiding any eye contact, I felt that I had died there with him. Of course not everyone made me feel that way, and I love them for it.
It’s so easy to focus on all the things that went wrong. I wonder if I made the right choices. I wonder if I missed something important. I still ask myself if I should have just stayed with him to keep him happy. My councilor says I have these strong emotions because I love the people I’m upset with. She’s right, I do love them. It’s the ones I rage at the most the I love the most. It’s like I’m insulted that they could hurt me so much when I just want to love them.
I’ve honestly felt the best that I have in several months, well up until Friday afternoon. So now I’m upset because every time I’m back on track I get thrown right back off. I want to go home again. I want to see my mother again.
So don’t ask me how I am. Think about it for a just a second. My fiance killed himself last year, in the worst way I could imagine after months of try to get him help. My mother is sick, very sick. I’m 1,000 miles away from my immediate family. I’m at work today just so I’m not alone all day.
I am sad, angry, tired, and hurt. You may not know this but there is a lot of physical pain brought on with grief. Do you remember your first broken heart? The way you chest seared and you thought your heart would jump right out of you? It’s that, but so much worse.
So I’m angry.
Taking Things As They Come 
It’s me again, just popping in.
It’s easy for me to tell you not to look back and wonder, but you always will.
It’s easy for me to tell you that it wasn’t your fault, but you will always think it is, even 40 years from now.
It’s easy for me to tell you, “I understand” but it doesn’t mean you’ll believe me.
So it’s just me, telling you, you’re not alone. And sending you great big hugs. Because other than that, there isn’t much anyone can say. It’s a road no one can travel with you, unless they’ve already travelled it themselves. And I have. I am.
xo